Monday, March 8, 2010

Not Worth the Calories

The seventh and final Arch challenge date was another OKCupid find and took place on a Saturday afternoon at a cafe specializing in hot chocolate. Bitterbore was very attractive but surprisingly slow-speaking and mellow. After discussing what we were going to get, I said to the barista, "We're both going to get the salted caramel hot chocolate."

Bitterbore leaned over the counter towards the barista, stuck his arm out and said, "Separate." The barista rung us up separately, $4 each. Had I been Larry David, I would have leaned in with same gesture and said, "Together." From now on, whenever a guy does not pay for me on the first date, I'm going to make it a goal of mine to channel Larry David.

Bitterbore turned out to be unemployed. This isn't necessarily bad; it's simply noteworthy and important for me to understand the circumstances around it. Because he didn't pay for my $4 drink, I wondered whether it was because he couldn't afford it due to his situation.

Bitterbore's slow speaking style became painfully boring pretty quickly. He also didn't listen well. For example, he talked about the company, so I asked, "Did you meet Brewster? He's an interesting guy." Bitterbore said he hadn't met Brewster, the co-founder, but then he proceeded to explain to me what the company's product, the Wayback Machine, does. Obviously, if I know the co-founder, then I likely know what his company does.

Eventually Bitterbore realized that I have a computer science background, which he took as an invitation to tell me, in excruciating technical detail, about a side project he's working on, which lasted almost ten minutes. During this sob story--for I was bored to tears--he found out that I had coded in Scheme in the past. At that moment, the intense look he gave me was what I would call an "eye boner." He was falling for me hard, and I could see it, creepily, in his eyes.

Later in the date, he found out that I had worked for Google in the past, and this sealed the deal for him. He looked at me like I might just be The One. He asked if I was busy for the rest of the day, and when I said I absolutely was, he responded, "We should definitely hang out again. Soon."

When I got home, he had already gone on OKCupid and 1) favorited my profile 2) gave me an over the top OKCupid award 3) sent me an email asking me out and, when I accepted the award he gave me, 4) sent me another message about the award he gave me.

The award: "The Perfect Mix: [My username, redacted] is veritably attractive on all levels. Cute with gorgeous eyes, direct, curious, intelligent, comfortable, and with a great deal of depth to explore. I do hope I can find out more soon."

The email asking me to a second date: "I really enjoyed getting to know you a bit on Saturday, and I wondered if you'd like to see a movie Wednesday or Thursday..." He suggested a couple movies, and then said, "And by the way, you have gorgeous eyes. I meant to say that earlier, but maybe I was too hypnotized by them at the time."

I kindly turned him down thanking him for his compliments but saying that I "just didn't feel the connection," to which he responded, "Neither did I." Then he still tried convincing me to go out with him. I can't make this shit up.

Post-mortem for the boys:
  • Do not go into excruciating technical detail about things one must have specialized knowledge about in order to understand. This applies to at least the first three dates.
  • Is $4 the price of your balls? Pay the fucking bill on the first few dates. It becomes clearer to me after every guy I talk to that I should have a special post on this topic alone.
  • Don't put yourself in a position where the girl with whom you're on a date is wondering whether you can afford things like a $4 hot chocolate. This line of thinking is akin to questioning your manhood, e.g., "Would I have to support his ass down the line?"
  • If you can't afford to pay the bill somewhere, then don't choose to have the date there. There are plenty of date options that cost no money, like taking a hike or going to a park.
  • You may be wondering how I feel about all the flattery regarding my looks. Often, this early on into meeting someone, it disgusts me, and I know many women who feel the same (also see However, in this particular case, I found it to be flattering, albeit way over the top. Tread lightly where physical compliments are concerned in the first few dates.
  • Don't act defensively if a girl turns you down. If you're done with her, then simply move on and don't reply. If you want to try harder to get the second date with her, there are better strategies, none of which involve making yourself look scorned and insecure, which is what he did by saying, "Neither did I."

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