Saturday, February 27, 2010

Effeminate Vampire Guy

My first date in my Arch seven was at a pub in the Haight with some nice beers on tap. I met the guy, EVG, through OKCupid. He seemed to have a sense of humor about him because he admitted in his profile, "I have been known to wear girl jeans on occasion. (I have skinny legs, its totally justified!)" This was cause for some concern, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. "It's just a date, and I have a challenge to complete," I thought. The only other thing I knew about him was that he was, at the time, a law student.

We were just supposed to get drinks, but when I met him, he had gotten seated at a food table. Shortly into our conversation, a waitress came by to take our order. It turned out he didn't want food, so the waitress reprimanded us -- rightly so -- for taking up a table when there was plenty of room at the bar. Nevertheless, we continued the date at the table.

I knew within the first 10 minutes that I wasn't interested in him based on his appearance and on the way he talked. He had an effeminate aura about him, pale skin, delicate hands and constitution, a high pitched voice. He also had minor gaps between his teeth that emphasized the sharpness of his teeth. He was willing to jump right into good, meaty, embarrassing stories, so the conversation was enjoyable. He shared with me one of the best first date horror stories I'd ever heard. I reciprocated with the Pizza Guy story. We had chatted for about two hours when I ended the conversation and asked for the bill.

The bill did not have his beer on it, which I pointed out to him. I pulled out my wallet, held it in my hands for a few seconds, then pulled out my credit card, held that in my hands for a few seconds, then put it down on the bill. He put his credit card away. When the waiter came by to take my credit card with the bill, EVG said to the waiter, "Hey, my beer isn't on there." The waiter said he'd take care of it and promptly returned with a credit card slip for me to sign, which now included the cost of EVG's beer. Total cost: $15.13.

Obviously, when he had told the waiter that his beer wasn't on my bill, the waiter was going to charge me for his bill. But what makes this situation even worse is that he genuinely believed that the waiter would bring out a separate bill for him with just his beer on it. When he realized that I was charged for his beer, he freaked out, apologized profusely, and he said to me, "I don't want to be the Pizza Guy! I wish I could pay you for it, but I don't have any cash." If only I owned a Square (, I would have charged his credit card for the reimbursement right there.

When we left the pub, I quickly hugged him goodbye to avoid any kiss attempt, and walked towards my bus stop. He meekly followed me to the bus stop and lingered with some awkward conversation before swooping in and trying to kiss me. I parried his move into a hug, at which point he finally walked away.

I decided to take a cab instead of the bus after that debacle. The cab driver who picked me up begged me to date him the whole ride home, turning the meter off halfway en route to my apartment. I looked too good to pay some deadbeat's beer bill that night, and even the cabbie knew it.

The next day, he sent me an email trying to salvage the situation, indicating interest, and apologizing again for the tab. If you let a woman pay the entire bill on your first date, you should also cut your balls off and hand those over with the bill. He lost his chance with me when he handed me the balls in the relationship.

Post-mortem for you men out there:
  • Always take cash with you on dates.
  • Always offer to pay the entire bill on a first date. If you can't afford it, then pick a cheaper date spot.
  • Here are five things that EVG could have done differently with the bill:
  1. He should've offered to pay the whole bill
  2. He should've offered to at least split my bill with me since his beer wasn't on there and he was going to get away scott free
  3. He should've specified to the waiter to bring his beer on a separate bill
  4. When he learned that they charged me for his beer, he should have insisted that they take the bill back and take his beer off of it and charge him instead
  5. If he didn't want to deal with the hassle of reversing the charge, he should've offered to take me out to dessert or somewhere else to make it up to me

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